Our inbuilt habit patterns make us unaware.
All of us have certain in-built habit patterns. We behave compulsively according to those patterns. It is possible that for a short duration of time, under the influence of certain people or desires, we may pretend and impose a different behavior. But it cannot last long. The previous tendencies take over in no time.
After the marital commitment has been made, everything starts changing – the pretence cannot sustain. You start taking the partner for granted. The inbuilt habit patterns start taking a hold over the mind. After all, how long can you keep this love-band stretched? When stretching becomes impossible, you want to break it. This is called divorce. I am told that in Australia, 13 out of 20 married people opt for divorce. Six out of the rest seven live together just because there are certain ulterior motives like ‘who will take care of children’, ‘what will people say’, ‘there is the financial problem’ etc. It is just one out of twenty who remain together because of love and respect for each other.
‘Me first’ kills the love silently.
Mostly, the inbuilt tendencies of people are selfish and people tend to take their own desires and happiness as supreme. They can sacrifice others’ happiness for theirs. Their own desires and expectations are usually so strong that they stop caring about how others are feeling. Most of them feel that others should love them, respect them and take care of their needs. Whether they themselves are loving and respecting and taking care of the needs of others is of no concern to them.
Can my center lie in you?
Most people in the world try to find their centers in others, i.e., they feel that others should be the centers of their happiness – and others should also take the responsibility of creating happiness situations. And it is a hopeless situation – it is an illusion that fulfillment and happiness can come from others. One’s center resides only in oneself.
Once a student Marcel from Switzerland, told me in a meditation class that his was one-out-of-the-twenty case. He was fifty-six years of age then and was happily living with his wife for the last thirty years. He said that this was possible because each of them was not seeking his/her centre in the other. They had centered their fulfillment in their own hearts. They were fulfilled within themselves. And they shared their fulfillment with each other. They loved each other, but the love was not based on expectations and desires. Their love was free from any sort of shop-keeping.
So what actually happened? Perhaps both of you – or one of you – were trying to live away from your true center. You had desires and expectations from each other, but you were yourself not caring about the feelings of the other. You can have infinite branches of specific problems, but this is the basic cause. This is what actually happened.
Now the question you need to ask yourself is:
Am I (also) the cause? If yes, what should I do now so that this patterned behavior is changed? Even if I opt for divorce, will that change me? Will I not remain prone to falling into a similar trap again?
